Ever felt judged for what you haven’t done rather than what you have?
You haven't put the bins out.
You haven't finished the report on time.
You haven't caught up with your team members.
It usually comes down to two psychological forces:
Negativity Bias
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Our tendency to focus more on what failed than what succeeded.
Hedonic Adaptation
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Our tendency to absorb improvements into the baseline so quickly that we forget what life was like before them.
Combine the two, and it can damage almost every relationship.
- We focus on what our partner didn’t do rather than what they did.
- We focus on the feature a product lacks rather than the ten it added.
- We focus on the target the CEO missed rather than the progress already made.
At some point, most of us end up on the receiving end of criticism that feels unfair.
So how do you shift attention back to what’s been gained?
Two ideas that I've found helpful:
1. Keep a “done” tally
Make progress visible. Don’t assume people will notice improvements on their own. Once gains become normal, they disappear into the background.
2. Remember when…
Remind people what things looked like before the change. “Remember when the wait time was six months? It’s now six weeks.” Baselines tend to shift without people noticing, so you have to remind them how far you’ve come.
When have you felt unfairly judged? When have you unfairly judged someone else?
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